Van Morrison Shorts Van Morrison Funny
Van Morrison Album Cover Roast-A-Thon
A list by finulanu
[List731712] | 
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Van Morrison, Van the Man, the Belfast Cowboy, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee, former singer of Them, creator of triple-platinum seller and radio favorite Moondance, writer of a good dozen standards, influence on everyone from Nick Cave to Bob Seger, looked at every single one of these album covers and thought "this is a good idea, this is how I want to represent myself to the general public." Look, I don't decide the facts, I only report them.
| 1 |  | 1.Van MorrisonAstral Weeks (1968) | ||
| I love this album. Love it love it love it. Look at my five stars, it's there. But I have always hated this cover. There's Van, right outside your window, blowing his load. The world just plain didn't need that. | ||||
| 2 | | 2.Van MorrisonMoondance (1970) | ||
| You know those "many moods of Darth Vader/Batman/Bane" t-shirts that are the same facial expressions over and over again? Check it out! Here's the blueprint! | ||||
| 3 | | 3.Van MorrisonHis Band and the Street Choir (1970) | ||
| "Ok, Jenkins. Way to finally figure out superimposing. Now where's the album cover? We're on a deadline." "This... is the album cover." "If I had any standards whatsoever, I'd fire you." "But you don't have standards, right?" "Dammit, Jenkins. You live to fight another day." | ||||
| 4 | | 4.Van MorrisonTupelo Honey (1971) | ||
| Not pictured: the goddamn mosquitoes that just wouldn't stop biting, the weird bow shape all the time on horseback contorted Van's legs into for the next eight days, the time when they got up to the top of the mountain and the horse just, like, spun around in fucking circles, leaving Van terrified for his life, not to mention nauseous. | ||||
| 5 | | 5.Van MorrisonSaint Dominic's Preview (1972) | ||
| The troubadour, his mind for a moment not fixed on what's beyond, ponders what's for lunch. Surely that burrito place will hit him up if he can just write them a song. | ||||
| 6 | | 6.Van MorrisonHard Nose the Highway (1973) | ||
| A little after the acid kicked in, Van realized he was both the farmer and the cloaked man, while the neon birds represented his glimmering soul. | ||||
| 7 | | 7.Van MorrisonVeedon Fleece (1974) | ||
| He's been petting that dog for like an hour and the dog is no longer ok with it | ||||
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| 8 | | 8.Van MorrisonA Period of Transition (1977) | ||
| How Van moved from a bemused frown to a bemused smile. Cut the pictures out and staple them together and you've got a flip book so shitty, not even the world's most easily entertained kid will like it. | ||||
| 9 | | 9.Van MorrisonWavelength (1978) | ||
| Van Morrison in bulge-friendly disco pants isn't something anyone needed. | ||||
| 10 | | 10.Van MorrisonInto the Music (1979) | ||
| Whether he's actually getting a blowjob or just wants you to think he's getting a blowjob, the grossness remains the same. | ||||
| 11 | | 11.Van MorrisonCommon One (1980) | ||
| Yes, climb, climb the hill that looks like a big furry poop | ||||
| 12 | | 12.Van MorrisonBeautiful Vision (1982) | ||
| Disembodied arms? Solar eclipse? Rainbows? Stars? What? The? Hell? | ||||
| 13 | | 13.Van MorrisonInarticulate Speech of the Heart (1983) | ||
| Probably meant to symbolize the healing power of music or some other new age crap-ola. And don't even try to read me my horoscope, Van. | ||||
| 14 | | 14.Van MorrisonA Sense of Wonder (1984) | ||
| I can't believe Van signed off on this. His face is tinted red because apparently he's Satan, and he's undressing you with his eyes. And the leaves, what in the hell are the leaves dong here, and the issue of the mysterious black background, so many mysteries, so many questions about this terrible cover... | ||||
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| 15 | | 15.Van MorrisonNo Guru, No Method, No Teacher (1986) | ||
| I know the Mummy remake with Tom Cruise is supposed to be pretty rank, but it has to be better than the "Van Morrison meets the Mummy" scenario this miserable cover proposes. | ||||
| 16 | | 16.Van MorrisonPoetic Champions Compose (1987) | ||
| "Somebody farted in here, and I won't rest until I've found out who." | ||||
| 17 | | 17.Van MorrisonAvalon Sunset (1989) | ||
| The swan eases through the water during sunset, because apparently Van wanted the most cliche new-age cover imaginable. | ||||
| 18 | | 18.Van MorrisonEnlightenment (1990) | ||
| Enlightenment apparently looks like a shitty purple lava lamp | ||||
| 19 | | 19.Van MorrisonHymns to the Silence (1991) | ||
| This cover is utterly beige and nondescript, and that, stunningly enough, makes it the best fucking cover on this list so far. Good album, though, as this guy's post-peak stuff is concerned. | ||||
| 20 | | 20.Van MorrisonToo Long in Exile (1993) | ||
| A perfectly good cityscape ruined by the "Van" set horizontally, "Morrison" set vertically junk. | ||||
| 21 | | 21.Van MorrisonDays Like This (1995) | ||
| Release the hounds | ||||
| 22 | | 22. Van Morrison With Georgie Fame & Friends Van Morrison How Long Has This Been Going On (1995) | ||
| Up in the sky, look! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman... With his dick out... Goddammit I just want to go back to bed now | ||||
| 23 | | 23.Van MorrisonThe Healing Game (1997) | ||
| Van doesn't look like he's ever laughed here. He doesn't even look capable of laughter. | ||||
| 24 | | 24.Van MorrisonThe Philosopher's Stone (1998) | ||
| I mean the whole damn thing was clearly photoshopped, but they really want you to think that it wasn't, which makes the artifice that much more cringeworthy. | ||||
| 25 | | 25.Van MorrisonBack on Top (1999) | ||
| Yeah, yeah, look, I've got a back too and you don't see me bragging about it. | ||||
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Source: https://rateyourmusic.com/list/finulanu/van-morrison-album-cover-roast-a-thon-1/
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